Ummid Assistant

Indian students in Germany need not pay to study: Envoy

Microsoft offers tech courses to Indian academia

Welcome Guest! You are here: Home » The Funny Side

Love marriages a shame, and mobiles the culprit

Friday October 26, 2012 11:35:33 AM, Nury Vittachi, IANS

Adults have banned love. Any young person who marries someone they love (as opposed to the official partner chosen by adults) will be exiled, said the town council of Baghpat, Uttar Pradesh. "Love marriages are a shame for society," council member Sattar Ahmed told the Daily Mail. I'd love to see him and his wife on a romantic night out. I can imagine them passing the time stabbing voodoo effigies of the opposite sex.

But how do you ban love? Anti-love campaigners are targeting mobile phones as the main tools young people these days use to "grow" love. No girls should be allowed to have mobile phones, member of parliament Rajpal Singh Saini told a gathering of men last week, according to the Times of India. If your female children have phones, "take them away," he was quoted as saying.

I was reading the news articles above when I realized that if a fiction-writer wrote about a crew of ranting villains banning love, it would be considered scarcely believable. The world's writers of trashy novel and B-movies really need to give these gentlemen an award, or at least a thank-you letter.

Going back to mobile phones, here's a related joke: The Indian government digs 1,000 metres down and finds traces of copper wire. "This proves we had a phone network 5,000 years ago," they announce. The Chinese government digs 1,000 metres down and finds nothing. "This proves we had a wireless network 5,000 years ago," they announce.



A woman faked a kidnapping so that she could get a day off work last week. Sheila Bailey Eubank, 48, spent the day away from her office in California, US, and then tied herself up with rope and told police she had been kidnapped. But videos from shops she'd entered revealed she was lying.

The odd thing is that this tale reminded me a similar case in Japan: except that focussed on a man who loved his work too much. A 29-year-old businessman, he overslept, missing an 8 a.m. meeting. Burning with humiliation, he kidnapped himself, drove himself out of town, beat himself up and dumped himself in the middle of nowhere. Then he called his colleagues. "So sorry to miss the meeting, I got kidnapped, you know how it is."



The mystery of the red-bearded prisoner has been solved. People were puzzled that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has been appearing in court with a bright ginger-auburn beard, yet Guantanamo Bay prison is not exactly known for haute couture hairdressing salons. Jailers last week revealed he "used crushed berries from his breakfast" to make his own hair dye.

Crushed berries from his breakfast? I always stop my kids buying that cereal with dried strawberry chunks because it's so expensive. To improve my living standards, I need to move the whole family to Guantanamo Bay prison.



Did you read about that German guy who went out for a few drinks and afterwards couldn't find his car? The Bavarian man, 31, went home in a taxi. The next day he went back and STILL couldn't find his car. Well, he finally found it recently - TWO YEARS after he had lost it.

I know a guy who had a few beers in Frankfurt and lost his hotel. He eventually flew back to Asia and told his wife that he had no suitcase of dirty laundry because it had been stolen. Ancient legends talk of "the waters of Lethe", a potion that wipes out memories. I think it's Heineken or Carlsberg.



The phone rings. You work at the customer service department of Bouygues Telecom. The caller says that her phone bill is too high. You politely tell her that she has to pay it. She says a mistake has been made. You say the computer cannot be wrong. She says the bill is for 11,000 trillion euros. You tell her it can't be changed. She tells you that no one in the world can pay that much money. You tell her she can pay in installments.

A French news source named Sud Ouest reported that a woman, Solenne San Jose of Bordeaux, took more than 45 minutes to convince staff her bill was wrong, despite the sum being literally ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD.

If I ever run a big corporation, these are the customer service officers I want manning the phones. Total impenetrability.



Zheng Zhenyong is truly dense. He has applied to be listed in the Guinness Book of Records as the owner of the world's thickest skull. "I train by headbutting concrete pillars," the man from Shenzhen, China, told Econews, a Chinese website. I would hate to live in an apartment block with this guy running around whacking the foundations with his head.



The latest news reports are saying former top cyclist Lance Armstrong ran "the biggest and most sophisticated doping program in sports history". I can almost hear the outraged reaction in Beijing. "Hey, what about us?"

Armstong said he "didn't have the energy" to fight back. Hey, Lance, don't you usually have a little something in your pocket that solves your energy problems?



A seafood worker fell into a giant steamer and was cooked to death, police in California reported the other day. Poor guy. Mind you, had this happened to a food worker in Shanghai, where thousands of crabs are steamed alive every week, I would have no sympathy.



Did you read that the new president of France is trying to win the youth vote by promising to abolish homework? For the first time in history, a world leader and a kid at my children's school are running on the same platform.
 


Nury Vittachi is an Asia-based frequent traveler. Send ideas and comments via www.mrjam.org




 






 

 


 

Home | Top of the Page

Comments

Note: By posting your comments here you agree to the terms and conditions of www.ummid.com

Comments powered by DISQUS

i

I

More Headlines

Microsoft opens Windows 8 in India

Help develop villages, Kalam urges students

Garib Rath train passengers to get bedroll for Rs.25

Scientists reveal why lost weight bounces back

Krishna, Gowda, Yeddyurappa face probe in expressway scam

Clashes in Hyderabad; situation tense but under control

Naveen Jindal accuses Zee News of Rs.100 crore blackmail

An electronic nose that sniffs sleep apnea

Ozone hole second smallest in 20 years

Salman Bashir, Nitish Kumar meet ahead of latter's Pakistan visit

Communal clashes in UP over idol immersions, nine injured

Communal violence in Aakot, 4 killed

 

Top Stories

Arafat Sermon:

Grand Mufti urges to be role models of good behavior

Saudi Arabia's Grand Mufti Sheikh Abdul Aziz Al Al-Sheikh delivered the Arafat sermon and led prayers at the Namira Mosque, re-enacting  »

Hajj officially kicks off; About 4mn pilgrims head to Mina

Bosnian Muslim walks to Makkah for Haj

 

  Most Read

Naveen Jindal accuses Zee News of Rs.100 crore blackmail

Jindal Steel chairman Naveen Jindal Thursday said his company has made a formal police complaint against Zee News and Zee Business for allegedly demanding Rs.100 crore worth  »

Communal violence in Aakot, 4 killed

Four persons have been killed and several others have injured in communal violence which erupted in this Maharashtra town near Nagpur. Reports of communal violence have also been reported from Diglur - a town near Nanded. »

Communal clashes in UP over idol immersions, nine injured

 

  News Pick

Quake Prediction: Outrage in India at conviction of Italian scientists

The recent conviction of six Italian scientists and a government official for their failure to predict the 2009 L'Aquila earthquake is ridiculous, says a group of young Mumbai scientists who have written to the Italian embassy in New Delhi.  »

Krishna, Gowda, Yeddyurappa face probe in expressway scam

The Karnataka Lokayukta Thursday ordered a probe into the role of three former chief ministers H.D. Deve Gowda, S.M. Krishna, B.S. Yeddyurappa and over 25 others for alleged lapses in land allotment for the Bangalore-Mysore   »

US set to become world's biggest oil producer

A US oil boom is set to push America past Saudi Arabia to become the world's top producer, the Daily Mail reported Wednesday. Driven by high prices and new drilling methods, the US production of crude oil is on track for the biggest single-year gain for more than 60 years. Analysts claimed  »

Comedian Jaspal Bhatti dies in road accident

Famous comedian, actor and satirist Jaspal Bhatti died in a road accident near Punjab's Nakodar town, 40 km from here, early Thursday, police said here. Bhatti's car collided with a tree along the highway while he was  »

 

Picture of the Day

Hundreds of thousands of white-clad believers, in buses, cars and on foot and all of them chanting “Labbaik Allahumma Labbaik” (“Here I am, O Allah, here I am”), began their trek last night to the nearby tent city of Mina in the first leg of the annual pilgrimage.

(Photo: SPA)

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

RSS  |  Contact us

 

| Quick links

News

 

Subscribe to

Ummid Assistant

 

National

Science & Technology

RSS

Scholarships

About us

International

Health

Twitter

Government Schemes

Feedback

Regional

History

Facebook

Education

Register

Politics

Opinion

Newsletter

Contact us

Business

Career

Education

     

 

 

Ummid.com: Disclaimer | Terms of Use | Advertise with us | Link Exchange

Ummid.com is part of the Awaz Multimedia & Publications providing World News, News Analysis and Feature Articles on Education, Health. Politics, Technology, Sports, Entertainment, Industry etc. The articles or the views displayed on this website are for public information and in no way describe the editorial views. The users are entitled to use this site subject to the terms and conditions mentioned.

© 2012 Awaz Multimedia & Publications. All rights reserved.